How To Stop The Voices In Your Head From Sabotaging Your Happiness

Hi there! My name is Lilly. I’m a Junior Digital Marketing Executive here at PFM, and I joined the team just about a month ago. On my second day as a PFM’er I had my first team meeting. Although I had an idea of what the company was like and had already met the team members, when the call started something hit me… Yes, I’m in the right place!

Now, this article was initially going to be about the importance of representation in the workplace. But I realised that wasn’t exactly what I wanted to communicate. I do feel represented by this team, but the point I wanted to address was the fact that this only is the case because I made a conscious decision to look for a work environment in which I felt welcomed. I enabled that – and that is the topic of this article.

 

The damned voices in my head 

Making the decision to join this team – and taking the step to turn that into reality –  was a huge milestone in my personal journey. Mainly because the voices in my head have been, for the most part of my life, pretty damn loud and consequently detrimental to my own progress and happiness.

So I sought help in all ways I could, and today I will share with you some of what I’ve learned so far in this ongoing journey. And if this article resonates with you, I encourage you to seek help too.

 

Where do the voices come from?

We all have voices in our heads, and to some extent we all let them be obstacles to ourselves. These voices start forming in early life.

From birth

As wee babies, we have an exceptional ability to absorb information. Sometimes, the information we are exposed to can be interpreted in a distorted way, since babies don’t really understand the world. And other times, the information is already distorted from its source: take John – Peter’s son. Peter hasn’t dealt with his personal issues and unfortunately takes it out on poor little Johnny by telling him he is worthless.

 

To childhood

When we are children, some of the things we learnt – beneficial or not – are starting to solidify. We unconsciously seek information that confirms these things and avoid information that challenges it, even when it feels forceful and wrong.

So if John listened to his dad, the type of friends he’ll keep close are most likely going to be bullies who put him down. He will avoid potentially caring friendships, because even though they would probably be better for him, they challenge the information that he is worthless. It’s not familiar to him – and we tend to feel a sense of safety in what’s familiar, even when it’s not safe at all!

 

In adulthood

By the time we become adults, these storylines have been repeated for decades. We blindly believe and replicate them – it doesn’t cross our minds that our reality might be distorted and can be questioned and changed.

John won’t even question his marriage to Karen, he thinks he belongs in a relationship where he feels worthless. He also distorts information to fit his belief: when his boss congratulates him on a task he accomplished really well, he finds reasons to prove to himself that his boss is wrong. He seeks circumstances that enable him to ‘keep him where he belongs’, and anything that shows him differently, he stays away from.

 

Although John feels the illusion of safety by maintaining this storyline alive, he also feels pretty bloody unhappy. But how can he change that in order to live a happier, more fulfilling life?

 

Pop the bubble

In a nutshell, you have to stop the cycle. Obviously, easier said than done! So I broke it down into two steps to make it more digestible.

 

Step 1: build self awareness

Being aware of the problem is the first step to changing it. But if these long formed beliefs go unquestioned, how can you change them?

There is a song by the Brazilian group Secos & Molhados that says:

‘Those who have conscience to have courage,

Those who have the strength to know that they exist 

And in the centre of their own gear, 

invent the counter-spring that resists’

(Free Translation)

Whenever I hear this tune, I sing it at the top of my lungs. It serves as a reminder that as human beings, we were given the gift that is the ability to be self aware. It’s in our hands to use it to reinvent ourselves. That’s an extremely powerful thing, but one that we need to practise in order to expand.

There are many things you can do to build self awareness. Below you will see some of the things that help me:

  • Seek to learn and improve
  • Get out of your comfort zone
  • Meet new people
  • Be curious
  • Identify your triggers
  • Choose your role models consciously
  • Meditate
  • Go to therapy
  • Question your thoughts
  • Tune in with your feelings 
  • Talk and listen (for real)
  • Trust your gut
  • Understand your core values

Step 2: Seek out healthy environments

When we are living our dysfunctional storylines, we seek circumstances that enable them to stay alive. Once you are aware of what your storylines are (step 1), you will then need to make a conscious decision to create healthy environments.

That can be challenging because seeking healthier circumstances pushes you out of what you unconsciously consider safe, so you might feel scared to do so. But you have to push through that fear anyway… Trust me, it’s worth it! 

Some of the main aspects of your environment are friendships, romantic relationships, family, work, places you go to, content you consume. In John’s case, he can either work with Karen to change their relationship dynamic or if she’s not willing, he can find a partner who doesn’t trigger his feelings of worthlessness like Karen does. At work, he will learn to allow himself to accept his boss’ compliments, and in case he is bullied by his colleagues, he can speak up or find a healthier work environment. With his dad Peter, John can choose to talk about how his behaviour has affected him, or if Peter is not willing to listen, John can choose to stop welcoming his father into his life (or whatever solution seems the best in his personal case).

 

The voices won’t go away

If you read the title of this article again, you will see that I didn’t mention anything about getting rid of the voices. They won’t go away. But that’s not a problem – when you are aware of them, it’s in your control to turn down their volume. If I’m doing it… You can do it too!

 

I could go on and on about this topic! – if you’d like to chat, please get in touch at lilly@pilotfishmedia.com 

Raise Your Voice: Why Representation Matters

Have you seen the new Netflix sensation, Inventing Anna? You should. Not only is it a gripping and highly entertaining mini-series by the wonderful Shonda Rhimes, but it’s also an excellent case of the impact of representation and how perception can create reality. Hate her or love her, Ana Delvey (or is it Sorokin?) proved that perception is power.

Representation is and has always been a critical issue, and it can be a powerful tool for the media to wield. It’s not for nothing that winners (re)write history: it’s because representation shapes perception, which then moulds reality.

So, let’s have a refresher on what representation is and what that means for us today.

 

The representation layered cake

Lay a base of representation

Put simply, representation is the way individuals and communities are portrayed and described in the media. Said like this, it sounds very innocent and on its own, it can be.

Add in associations

The issue comes from the fact that our brains are lazy and love associations. After all, “we’re busy people. We can’t have fully-formed impressions of all of the people in the world!” (As said by Dara O’Brian in Craic Dealer). And because of this little tendency, we tend to assume that what is true of a person also corresponds to their community unless we specifically have information to the contrary.

So, if I were to tell you that Farzin from far-away and poorly-known land Tajikistan is a bad driver, you’ll likely think (consciously or not) that Tajikistanis also tend to be bad drivers. Actually, I wouldn’t even have to go so far. All that’s needed is putting an image of a person from Tajikistan next to a car accident and our lizard brains would do the rest.

Don’t believe me? Watch Russell Peters’ explanation of associations creating representation at 1 minute 53 seconds. I promise that as factual as it is, it’s also a good laugh. 

Fold in the illusory truth effect

The problem then compounds with the illusory truth effect. The more often something (in our case, a certain portrayal of a community) is repeated, the more people will perceive it to be accurate. This is especially powerful when people have little contact with or context about the subject matter. With Britons consuming on average 5 hours and 35 minutes of digital media a day, that’s plenty of time to repeat representation.

To give you an example, this means that if the media repeatedly portrayed Highlanders as having a fear of pineapples, after some time, most people would truly believe that people in the Highlands are terrified of those fruits. Ridiculous on the face of it. But insidious, isn’t it?

Sprinkle some confirmation bias

And I’m not done yet. Now that you have this belief that Highlanders are afraid of pineapples, your confirmation bias will kick in. This means that you will start interpreting the world according to this belief. You will notice and remember more facts and events that confirm your belief of ananaphobic Highlanders and will even go so far as to think that evidence supporting your belief is more credible and trustworthy than evidence that goes against it. Have I scared you yet?

Bake until you reach the self-fulfilling prophecy point

And finally, the fourth horseman of the pineapple apocalypse enters: the self-fulfilling prophecy. Imagine you are the said Highlander and that everyone you meet is convinced that you are afraid of pineapples. They tell you as such and behave accordingly. It may take a day, it may take a year, but there’s a good chance that constantly and consistently being bombarded with this alleged morbid fear of tropical fruits, you will genuinely become afraid of them.

And there you have it. A nasty vicious circle that is extremely difficult to break.

 

Why does it matter?

Now you may be thinking, that’s all well and good Maya, but I have other, more pressing things to worry about than whether people actually think Highlanders have ananaphobia. Why should I actively care about representation?

Well my friend, representation has incredible power. It influences your thoughts and the lives of millions of people. Seeing someone who looks or behaves like you on film or in a book can have incredible power on our individual and group psyche. Authentic and accurate representation has the following benefits.

It helps individuals feel seen and accepted

Seeing a version of ourselves represented on a billboard, on the news or in a film sends the message that our community and by extension, ourselves, are acknowledged as being a part of our national story. As such, authentic representation sends the message that the portrayed groups belong, which is especially important for minorities and marginalised groups. It’s a powerful tool that can help them feel like an integral part of their wider community.

Conversely, never or rarely seeing a version of ourselves portrayed in common narratives can make us feel invisible, overlooked or even “a guest in (our) own country”. A stereotypical or negative representation can also have a similar effect, making members of the represented community feel as if they are misunderstood, disrespected or simply not considered to be part of their national community.

It boosts self-esteem

We unconsciously perceive representation as a reflection of our own value. Our brain loves association, remember? As such, seeing someone who behaves, looks like us or comes from a similar background portrayed in a positive light will help us feel better about ourselves and feel valued through reverse correlation. This is particularly powerful for minority groups as they are typically less represented and less accurately.

This phenomenon is also significant for children, as they are particularly vulnerable to media-perpetuated beliefs and tend to internalise them. This is exactly why kids’ shows and films with diverse and positive representation can actively help build the way they think about themselves. And positive, self-assured children grow up to be strong and confident adults.

It decreases fear of minorities and promotes inclusion

We tend to fear the unknown, so actively engaging in a diverse representation of minorities enables the wider public to understand them, feel more comfortable around them and to start including them in their own narrative. Case in point: since Crazy Rich Asians came out in 2018, Asian men have steadily started to crop up as leads in romantic comedies such as LoveHard, Secret Obsession and Last Christmas. Somehow, the blockbuster helped people realise that Asians could also be love interests. Who knew?

It unravels stereotypes and helps people step out of the neat little boxes the world has stuck them into

Now that you’ve been introduced to our four horsemen of the representation apocalypse, you have a deeper understanding of why stereotypes are so resilient and hard to break. You can’t go at them with a hammer. Instead, you’ll need to slowly chip at them until they shatter. Your chisel will be a frequent, diverse and authentic representation.

It helps you realise it’s not all about you

As surprising as this may sound, boys watching films with a female main character, or Asian girls reading a book with a brown non-binary hero, is a great way to realise and remember that not everything revolves around you. People who don’t look or behave like you can be the hero, too. 

While we are all the main characters in our own story, it’s good to remember that we can also be the supporting characters in someone else’s adventure. This gives us some perspective and pops any inflated egos before they become hot-air balloons.

Enrichment

This is one of the less apparent but still important benefits of authentic representation. Good representation allows us to learn about different viewpoints, ways of life and practices that we have not grown up with. As such, it represents an incredible opportunity for education and self-development.

 

Case in point: Middle Eastern and North African (MENA) representation

Now that we’ve gone over the basics, let’s put them into action and take a look at how Arabs and Middle Easterners are represented. What comes to mind when I say the word Arab? I bet at least a small obscure corner of your brain thought of either of the words ‘Muslim’ or ‘terrorist’.

Statistically speaking, yes, a lot of MENA individuals are Muslim and a few are terrorists. There are also artists, scientists, atheists, Christians and much more. But that’s not the aspect of the collective Arab experience that the media has portrayed and relentlessly repeated from TV shows to films or political statements. And sadly, it is not just the Trump’s and subpar series of the world that carry this message; it’s also the otherwise excellent shows such as The Bodyguard, Homeland, James Bond and even Aladdin.

The portrayal of MENA individuals across entertainment, news and politics tends to focus on the following axes:

  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as Muslims
  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as terrorists
  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as violent and barbaric
  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as antisemitic
  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as misogynistic
  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as poor
  • Arabs and Middle Easterners as ignorant, close-minded or uneducated

Now that these have been pointed out, I bet you’ll spot those regularly peppered through your shows. These traits have become so ingrained with how the world thinks of Arabs that when a scene involves explosives, there’s a high chance Arabic music will be playing subtly in the background (I’m looking at you, Chuck). When characters travel to North Africa or the Middle East, the country is likely portrayed as traditional houses and lots of desert, forgetting the modern bustling hubs (as shown most recently in Spectre or Knight and Day).

Salt is then applied to the wound when positive MENA figures are portrayed by white actors. Remember the Prince of Persia being played by whiter-than-slow Jake Gyllenhaal, Alec Guinness playing Prince Faisal in Lawrence of Arabia or my favourite one, the all-white cast of Gods of Egypt. Whitewashing is another subtle way in which positive Arab influence has been diluted and appropriated.

The next time you see a Muslim person in a news report, a film or a series, here’s a little test to help you figure out if this character is a stereotype or, instead, a more accurate representation of reality. It’s called the Riz test, after British actor and rapper Riz Ahmed, and it works like the Bechdel test. All you have to do is answer the questions below:

  • Is the Muslim character talking about, the victim of, or the perpetrator of terrorism?
  • Is the Muslim character presented as irrationally angry?
  • Are they presented as superstitious, culturally backwards or anti-modern?
  • Are they presented as a threat to a Western way of life?
  • If the character is male, is he presented as misogynistic? If female, is she presented as oppressed by her male counterparts?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above questions, you are likely watching a stereotype-enforcing item.

Now, it’s not all doom and gloom. There’s recently been an influx of more authentic and diverse Arab representation, pushed by Arab and Middle Eastern actors in Hollywood such as Riz Ahmed, Rami Malek and Shohreh Aghdashloo.

Not all MENA individuals should be portrayed as shining beacons of human goodness. There are some wonderful ones, some abysmal ones and many in the middle. What’s needed is variety, so that representation can be authentic and informative rather than blatantly ingraining stereotypes.

 

If you’re reading this, congratulations, you’ve made it to the finish line and survived this long but informative blog on representation! If you’re interested in the subject matter or would like to chat about MENA representation and how to be an active ally to the community, give me a shout at maya@pilotfishmedi.com!

Raise Your Voice – The Social Model of Disability

Awright! I’m Gra, PFM’s Digital Designer, and a disabled creative. On the 9th of February, I gave a talk and chaired a discussion about the social model of disability as the first in a monthly series where PFM-ers talk about the things they care about.

 

The Medical Model and Social Model of Disability

A disability is “perceived impairments of an individual’s body, emotions, and mind”. Disabilities are defined as “conditions that affect a person’s physical or mental capacity or mobility”.

There are two main approaches to framing disability in society: the medical model centres the person as the problem, whereas the social model argues that barriers put up by society create a “disabling environment” which perpetuates difficulties that they may face. 

For example, while the medical model states that a person with dexterity or strength issues will struggle with opening heavy doors, the social model posits that this is evidence of the “disabling environment”, and that greater accessibility brought by automatic doors will allow that same person to thrive (relatively speaking).

 

A History Lesson! (in brief…sorta)

The social model came about as a result of a group of disability rights advocates inspired by the Civil Rights Movement. In the ‘60s and ‘70s, groups like the Union of the Physically Impaired Against Segregation (UPIAS) began to observe their own experiences with a new lens, questioning their relationship with society and its assumptions about their experience.

 

A “disabling environment”

The idea of a “disabling environment” can be tough to get your head around when you don’t experience it. It manifests in a couple ways…

 

Environmental Barriers

When you look at the built environment with the social model in mind, it’s much easier to see that (by-and-large) provisions are lacking. The world is built with the majority in mind and provisions are often seen as going above-and-beyond.

Imagine a museum, or just about any building built prior to the ‘80s. You’ve probably been in dozens of them, but we’ll go with a museum because museums are class. It’s much easier to see where provisions may be lacking. 

A physically disabled person approaches the Imaginary Museum and sees that it doesn’t have an accessible entrance: there are no ramps, no handrails, no lifts – nada. And so they’re left with no recourse but to miss the opportunity to see the treasures of antiquity or something.

A cognitively impaired person manages to get in the door, which is great! However, they notice that there isn’t adequate signage. There are no maps, the museum is loud, and they’re left with trouble trying to navigate the space.

A blind or partially sighted person gets in, but there’s no braille signage – and no audio description service available.

These are just a few examples considering the social model, and I’m sure you can think of many yourself. Next time you’re out and about, think about how the space may present a “disabling environment”.

 

Social Barriers and Attitudes

Social factors play a big part too. As they say, “hell is other people”. People’s attitudes towards the disabled are, for lack of a better word, shi- umm…guff. Apathy, ignorance and outright hostility run deep – it seems bananas, but it’s not hard to spot when you look.

Imagine someone who’s a prat, any prat. You’ve probably met dozens of them this week alone, and we can easily imagine where their mindset may suck. 

They’ve had relatively few interactions with the physically disabled and have a big empathy gap. When they hear about provisions being made at the Imaginary Museum from before, they complain. They say that building work makes the space less accessible to them (I know right – irony!) and that the addition of an accessible entrance ruins the facade of a building they’ve never previously cared about. It’s not even a real building! You’re imagining it right now!

They’ve had even less actual interaction with cognitively impaired people, but when they do, they talk about the person being “difficult” and wonder out loud “where is their carer?”.

They get into an online debate on Twitter – well known to be the best way to resolve society’s ills – with a Deaf or hard of hearing person, arguing that learning BSL in schools throttles budgets and wastes time that kids could spend learning some other thing – trigonometry maybe? Let’s say trigonometry, everyone hates trigonometry.

 

A “normal life”

Many disabled people will contend at some point in their lives with the idea that a normal life may be unobtainable to them. They’ll be resigned to making their peace with a limiting environment and limiting approaches. This has knock-on effects for us all.

Disabled people face a higher occurrence of depression, anxiety, and substance use disorder, among other “co-occuring disorders”.

If someone is physically disabled, they may come to accept their lack of ability to participate in activities that shouldn’t be impacted. There’s no reason that they can’t go to the Imaginary Museum and appreciate all the rusty bits of axes and the like. The same for a partially sighted person.

A person with a cognitive impairment may come to understand that without adequate provisions, they may never be able to have a career, while being castigated for their perceived “unwillingness/inability to contribute”.

 

What can we do?

I appreciate that this has all been a bit fraught – it’s frustrating. Everyone deserves the opportunity to thrive and live their life in the manner that they’d like to. But don’t worry! You’ve already done something important. 

Just by reading this far, you’ve done just a wee bit of self-education. You’re an advocate, I declare it. And I really appreciate you taking your time. Unless you skipped to this bit – then go back up and read the flippin’ thing, it’s only NINE HUNDRED WORDS? How did I write that much? It’s still not very much – get on it and meet me back down here where you’re officially declared a ✨superstar ✨. 

 

 

If, for some reason, you’d like to chat to me after having read that then shoot me an email at gra@pilotfishmedia.com – I’m always about to talk about inclusion and advocacy.